yup. google images has made me happy tonight even though i know i'll never have a brandon boyd of my own: of this i am certain. surely i wouldn't mind a scruffy little rockstar boyfriend with guaged (sp?) ears and scraggly hair, too skinny but oh-so-creative... big dreamer here, hmm?

so the waitressing job (which i got, i TOLD you i would, didn't i?) isn't so bad, but when it gets busy i feel like i'm just in the way of everyone else because i'm still acclimating myself to the whole place. L is supercute though; i'm not sure if he's flirting with me or just really nice to me for some reason. he never yells at me even though everyone else says i ought to watch out because he 'will yell at [me].' i guess being a friendly non-ugly girl has its perks. and the job at the bank is quite lovely, as always. but between the two jobs and three classes i'm running around in circles but it feels so good and i love it.

and brandon boyd would love it too.
gosh, he's so dreamy.

i bought a new [gorgeous] car - o7 triple white beetle convert. so cute. i can't wait for summer to drive around with the top down to atlantic highlands and sandy hook. it's gonna be so much fun. i'll miss the green one, all the memories: d.c., old orchard beach, all the fun places we went. but this one is so much more fun.

and i got a new job, too, lovers. bank teller WHAT- dollars, dollars, dollars. now i just gotta replace big y(uck) to be completely happy and in the money, and how convenient that i have a lovely interview at giant pizza on monday with a cutie named logan who i'm sure will hire me. it was cute when he was like 'well when can you come in for an interview? monday? sunday? yeah sunday is tomorrow, so monday then?' all fumbling on his words. haha. funny. i'm sure i'll get it. no more big y, no more crooks, no more nancy's dirty looks.

oh yea um. i might be contacted for an interview at the community college for a job that pays 31k/year (not bad) but my friend alex also applied and she graduated from uconn already. i'm probably not going to be offered the position, but if i do, i think i will smile real big and then quit the bank. part of me kinda hopes alex gets it though, if i don't.

i'm gonna be meeting this guy tom who saw me before i guess (i don't remember seeing him) and he thought i was cute and wants to go out as a group. hopefully he's nice and as hot as julia says he is, although i tend to fall for the more artistic or intelligent boys. i guess i wouldn't mind a hottie for awhile. we'll see. i just know that i don't want another nothing relationship that ends up nowhere with someone that doesn't completely respect me. this time i won't hold it against him for not being jaime. jaime's gone. i'm never going to get him back or see him again. it breaks my heart. every time i break up with another boyfriend it just makes me miss jaime all that much more because none of them are ever as good as him. they never measure up. it's not their fault, it's something i've been trying to work through but it never seems to work. so i'll give this tom-child a chance and see what happens.

new car.
new job.
new boys.
three more classes et fini.
life is amazing.


***
last night i started looking through an old notebook where i wrote a bunch of poems and pieces of short stories and i came across this one that i wrote for jaime (i love him, i love him so much and i will always love him) which i think pretty accurately represents how he is so much better than anyone else in the entire world, how we are all so small and stuck here on the ground enslaved to our own tiny little nothing lives, and he is so free and mobile and painfully beautiful. yet at the same time his freedom causes those that love him discomfort. here it is:

a heart broken into one million, eight hundred thousand pieces, picked up & scattered by the wind

where you step (pick a continent,
any continent), watch it.
heart and blood in speckles
on your feet.
where you walk reminds you that you dind't grow
up, no no, not like the flowers,
with tiny little feet stubborn tangles into
the ground, you
are like the birds who up and leave
and shit all over everything.




AND
i found this one, too, which i quite like.

hot drops
let these be considered summer rains
and be collected in sums enough to build blue flowers
and the fields they will live in.
light your cigarettes on the sinking pink sun,
smoke them with the sparrows
and be warm when you fall asleep dropping hot
ashes, hot drops.


AND this one for p.dumbdumb (ooh i saw him yesterday and started to shake)
which he requested long ago

1. What to Be
you want a poem to be writ about you
then make me cry or laugh or red.
take my gift of moon and keep it,
how your friends. remind me of what
a person is, all tangled-up, tied-up knots,
favorite colors (astronauts) and nicknames,
family trees, first grade spelling bees
and first cigarettes, and i'll be there
with your poem,
unripe, unready.
take it home and wait.
2. What Not to Be
disappointment and pretty eyes.

here's what i think. i think i'm just wasting my time and being consumed by thoughts for someone that likely isn't thinking about me in return. maybe the sooner i cut this away the more quickly i will return to the real person that i am. i feel like this isn't even a part of me so how can it hurt? i just worry that once i get back to myself i'll be gloomy again; things have a way of working out like that. but really. i'm tired of trying. it's getting me nowhere.

i jammed my thumb in my dresser drawer and started crying. i'm skipping class, skipping work. everything is hollow and so few things in life are real.

last night my boyfriend walked out and i just let him go. i wish i could fix it but i don't even know if he'll talk to me. why is love such sadness?

my darling friend mister t. reminded me of this livejournal thing yesterday. or the day before. how can anyone be sure when the days blend into one another?

that is not to say that anything is troubling me. sure, i could use a little more money and a little more time, but couldn't we all? i'm really good and happy, awkward as always, but awkward in style, awkward with a smile. things still slip by my attention, and yeah, i should be writing press releases right now but i simply haven't got the motivation. so i'm drinking water instead.

the end.

to my faithful readers:
i took this survey 100-200 years ago and i thought it would be interesting to update my answers to see how i've changed. i will leave me old answers and include the new ones as well.

X marks the spot. (OLD. * for new answers!)

*(x) been drunk
*(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
*(x) ridden in a taxi
*(x) ridden in a limo
*(x) been to a football game
*( ) Met someone famous
*(x) been in love
*(x) been dumped
*(x) shoplifted
*(x) had your heart broken
*( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
*(x) snuck out
( ) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
( ) ever dated someone of the same sex
*(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) been arrested
*( ) made out with a stranger
( ) stole something from your job
( ) celebrated New Years in Time Square
( ) gone on a blind date
*(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new Orleans
*(x) been to Europe
*(x) skipped school
*( ) slept with a co-worker
*(x) gone out with one or more co-workers
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Africa
*( ) Slapped someone you love
*( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
*(x) Been to Canada
( ) Participated in a protest
( ) Been to Mexico
*(x) Been on a plane
*(x) Been on a train
*(x) Rode the metro
*(x) Gotten lost in DC
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) set myself on fire
*(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) been kicked out of the library for being too loud
( ) Been snowboarding
*( ) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been moshing at a concert
( ) had feelings for someone you knew only online
( ) lost a child
*(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
*(x) taken painkillers
*(x) had blood drawn
( ) intentionally burned oneself
*(x) love someone or miss someone right now
*(x) went to a prom
( ) Bungee jumped
*( ) made out in a movie theatre
*( ) have been to a pop concert
*(x) have dated someone for a year or more.
( ) sold naked pictures of yourself
( ) been in a car accident
*(x) Slept in the nude
*(x) eaten cheesecake
*(x) had jury duty
*(x) hated someone without knowing them
*(x) been to Maine
( ) been to Atlantic City
( ) shot a real gun
( ) had sex with someone within a week of meeting them
*( ) made out with someone within 5 days of meeting them
( ) done ecstasy
( ) gotten my ass kicked
( ) been caught smoking
( ) milked a cow
*(x) got in a verbal fight
( ) lied one time in this survey
( ) Threw a party at a friends house when they were gone
( ) Done something w/ a friends bf/gf
( ) Done something w/ a bf/gf's sibling
( ) Committed a major crime
*(x) Dated someone older than you are
*( ) Gotten in trouble w/ the cops
*( ) ran away
*(x) Ever had a flat tire
( ) Ever given someone a hicky
*(x) Ever gotten a hicky
*(x) Been caught making out with someone
*(x) Ever got super drunk
*(x) Went skinny dipping
*(x) Lied about where you're going
*(x) Ever lied about your age
*(x) Ever been pantsed
( ) Had mono?
*(x) Beer ponged
( ) Got into a physical fight w/ a parent
*( ) Ever bought a lotto ticket
*(x) Ever been to a family reunion
( ) Payed a Philly street bum to amuse you


[brackets around 2007 answers. i'm such a dork.]
001) What time did you start this?: it's 12:12 right now... [it's 10:07pm]
002) Name?: jennifer [still jennifer]
003) Date of birth?: june 30th [still 6.30]
004) Sex?: Female [male. oh wait, still a female.]
005) Height?: 5'4" [same]
006) Eye color?: hazel [same]
007) Weight?: not that much but not that little either [125ish, give or take.]
008) Location?: Danielson, CT [atlantic highlands, new jersey]
016) What are you wearing right now?: pajamas... tee from cab carnival and sweats [skirt and tee shirt]
017) Would you have sex before marriage?: if i loved the person and i knew i was committed [i would try not to but it might happen.]
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers: nope, but i did used to think mr. vogt was cute [no.]
019) Are you a virgin?: top secret [i think this is a stupid question.]
020) Do you smoke?: nope [i have smoked but i do not smoke.]
021) Do you drink?: sometimes, never on purpose... lol [socially.]
022) Are you ghetto?: sure? [haha. ew.]
023) Are you a player?: nope [slowly becoming a p-i-m-p]
024) What are your favorite colors?: hot pink and... oh yea, hot pink [magenta]
025) What is your favorite animal?: callie bug who is no longer with us [lydia because she is MINE!]
026) Do you have any birthmarks?: yup a zillion of 'em [yes, my most prominent birthmark is a huge white splotch on the back of my leg.]
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: at what? mario bros, yes. in real life? no. [no]
028) Who are your best friends?: jaime and nicole and julia. [alan and julia]
029) Have you ever beat someone up? no, well, i did sorta the other day but it doesn't really count. [no.]
031) Have you ever been slapped?: maybe [i don't think so?]
032) Do you get online a lot?: shyeah... like every single day [too much. i'm thinking about quitting.]
033) Are you shy or outgoing?: both [both.]
034) Do you shower?: all the time. [every day.]
035) Do you hate school?: partially [yes.]
036) Do you have a social life?: loner, but not a loner... [my calendar shows drastic mountains and valleys of activity.]
037) How easily do you trust people?: i try to protect my petals because i've trusted the wrong people in the past... [too easily.]
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends?: i try to be honest [yes]
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: i don't know... yeah i guess. [yes]
040) Would you ever sky dive?: if someone convinced me enough [YES!]
041) Do you like to dance?: love to [not any more.]
068) Have you ever been out of state?: um... yeah... [i want to be back in connecticut!]
069) Do you like to travel?: YES! [no.]
071) Have you ever been suspended from school?: no [no]
071) Do you want to get out of your hometown?: yes, it's my dream... [i want to go back to my hometown.]
072) Are you spoiled?: only if spoiling yourself counts. [no]
073) Are you a brat?: I try not to be [no]
074) Have you ever been dumped?: sorta [yes]
076) What's your favorite drink?: mmm... water with no ice. warm water. mmm. [apple juice is nice.]
077) Do you like Snapple?: the pink lemonade kind is the best. [not particularly]
078) Do you drink a lot of water?: i have been this week since i've been sick but not usually. [a fair amount.]
079) What toothpaste do you use?: the kind in the bottle, not the tube. [right now some purple stuff. still in the bottle, not the tube.]
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager?: cell [a razr]
081) Do you have a curfew?: not at school but at home i do. SUCKS! [no]
082) Who do you look up to?: jaime. [i'm not really sure.]
083) Are you a role model?: i think so, but probably not a good one. [yes, and a good one too.]
085) What name brand do you wear the most?: whatever i want. [whatever i want.]
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear?: earrings or necklace, but noth both at once. [earrings, necklace, rings, but i try not to overdo it.]
087) What do you have pierced?: ears in 3 spots [same]
088) What do you want pierced?: if i was skinny enough, i'd think about having my belly done. [maybe the lower lip, off-center.]
089) Do you like taking pictures?: yup [yes]
090) Do you like getting your picture taken?: i love it. [sometimes]
091) Do you have a tan?: i'm the whitest girl in the world. [thank you, jersey shore!!! i'm finally a little brown!!!]
092) Do you get annoyed easily?: yes. VERY EXTREMELY EASILY. [i have feathers like a duck. problems are water. they rolllll off. i'm good.]
093) Have you ever started a rumor?: maybe jokingly... maybe i don't really keep track of these things. [no, and if so then not intentionally.]
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line?: cell, and room phone at school. [cell]
095) Do you have your own pool?: at home. [not any more. goodbye, winter street.]
096) Do you have any siblings?: two. one of each. both younger. [same]
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: for jaime, boxers, duh. [for any boy, boxers, please, boxers!!! i do not wanna see your little tighty whities.]
098) Have you ever been played?: yes... paul desjardin, 9th grade. [i'm not sure. i don't want to count 9th grade any more.]
099) Have you ever played someone?: yes. mike something, 9th grade. [no]
100) Do you get along with your parents?: not when i'm living at home. [for the most part, yes.]
102) How do you vent your anger?: watching movies, writing in my diary, talking to or emailing jaime, driving. [i flip out.]
103) Have you ever run away?: i've plotted to, but i never have. [once]
104) Have you ever been fired from a job?: nope [i've been 'let go' because of attendance.]
105) Do you even have a job?: 3 jobs. RA crandall hall, RA Allen Institute, fashion bug [i'm a nanny and i love it.]
106) Do you daydream a lot?: i'm a writer, of course i do [not so much.]
107) Do you have a lot of ex's?: only like 2 or 3 [jaime and bekir.]
108) Do you run your mouth?: only if i feel like it [no]
109) What do you want a tattoo of?: not sure [nothing, i think.]
111) What are your favorite flowers?: the pretty ones that happen to be hot pink [roses.]
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like?: tall, skinny [tall, skinny. other is short and less skinny.]
113) What does your most recent crush look like?: he looks a lot like jaime diaz. [tall, skinny, blonde, blue eyes.]
114) Have you ever been bitched out?: sorta, does mom count? [yea probably.]
115) When was the last time you bitched someone out?: like yesterday maybe. [a few weeks ago maybe.]
116) Are you rude?: yeah. i try not to be but i just naturally am, i guess... [not on purpose]
117) What was the last compliment you received?: probably my clothes or something... oh yesterday one of the guys at allen institute said he wanted to ride in the minivan with the beautiful young jenny. [i'm not sure. i don't get complimented any more!!!]
118) Do you like getting dirty?: maybe. [no]
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?: innie [still in.]
120) Are you flexible?: schedule? hellz no. body? also hellz no. [yes]
121) What is your heritage?: half german, some native american, english, irish. that's all. [still the same]
123) What does your hair look like right now?: like medusa. [very long for me, blonde highlights. i look like a hippie.]
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian?: tried it for a week... didn't last. [i would like to be one.]
125) When was your last real heartbreak?: when jaime makes me sad... when alan betrayed me like that. [jaime]
126) Describe your looks?: i look like a boy! [i look like an ugly girl.]
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color: blonde [very dark brown.]
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you?: i did before. [i would try not to. i want an older guy, maybe 2 years older.]
129) Would you ever date someone older than you?: yeah jaime's 21. [yes]
130) When was the last time you were drunk?: a couple weeks ago. [probably my birthday]
131) When was the last time you went on a date?: i don't know... we've been poor lately, no fundage. [toooo long ago!!!]
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex?: um... definitely NOT receive. [no!!!]
133) Have you ever given?: top secret [yes]
134) Have you ever received?: top secret [yes]
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder?: i don't really know. probably not. mildly. [i don't think so.]
136) Do you have one now?: no [no]
137) How many rings until you answer the phone?: holy jeeze, where's my phone? [two is proper, i believe.]
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping?: yes. we busted into the reservoir at midnight last summer. so hot. [yes, just that once time.]
140) Do you look more like your mother or father?: mom [mother]
141) Do you cry a lot?: i try not to [definitely not.]
142) Do you ever cry to get your way?: no, that's just stupid [no]
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? my toe. i can always grow another... [something i didn't need, like a toe or finger.]
144) What phrase do you use most on the phone?: peace! [oh my god or wow.]
145) Are you the romantic type?: i'm not a cuddler. [no]
146) Have you ever been harassed by cops?: nope [yes]
147) What do you like most about your body?: uh... i don't know [my wrists, i think. i'm proud of them.]
148) What do you like least about your body?: my fat stomach [the fat parts.]
150) When was the last time you threw up?: when i was sick a long time ago... it was pizza [probably halloween from drinking too much.]
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: just hot ones [i like them all.]
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like?: green with polka dots [brown leather flip flops.]
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?: sometimes they do but not because i like it or anything... it just pops out [sometimes a little sliver]
154) What about cleavage?: if i had boobs then i would maybe have cleavage, but i have neither. [lacking in that department after all these years.]
155) Is your best friend a virgin?: one of them isn't, one of them is. [he is not.]
156) Have you ever fucked someone over?: yes. [yes]
157) Have you ever been fucked over?: yes. [yes]
158) What color are your underwear right now?: green and blue stripes. [yellow]
160) What size shoe do you wear? 8.5 [same. or 8]
161) What jewelry are you wearing now?: 2 earrings that i always wear, never take 'em out. [nothing]
162) What is your screen name on AIM? : flashyjeneration [stragglers3]
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public?: no [if it was really that important to me, of course i would. discretely.]
164) How are you feeling right now?: okay. i need to get some tissues, though. [sorta lonely]
165) When was the last time you were at a party?: a few weeks ago. [not long ago, i think, although i can't remember exactly.]
166) Have you ever given a lap dance?: no [yes]
167) What do you sleep in?: whatever i want. [clothes]
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: oh boy. YES. [yes]
169) What is one of your bad qualities?: i tend to not listen when i should be. [i space out very easily.]
170) What is one of your good qualities?: i'm creative. [i don't know.]
171) Would you marry for money?: nope. if i'm getting married, i can support myself. [i've considered it.]
172) What do you drive?: 95 neon. blah. [vw beetle, i love it!!!]
173) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child?: neither. i'm an indie girl all around. [neither]
174) When was the last time you cried in school?: last semester during theatre arts class after something really bad happened to me in the hallway directly before. stupid boys. [i don't remember.]
175) Do you wear Chucks?: what is chucks? [what are chucks?!]
176) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy?: let me work out first and get a boob job. NO. [sure, why not.]
177) last cd listened to?: lola ray ::: i don't know you [interpol, our love to admire.]
178) What time are you finishing this?: 12:38. wow. i need somethng better to do with my time. [10:30. wow. i need to do something better with my time.]



thank you for reading.
it's obvious that i'm a much better person now.
on the jenny growth-o-meter it shows that i've successfully made the transition from adolescent to adult. three cheers.

summer is on its deathbed at the hospital with so few visitors.

this weekend i am going home and i will never be happier. living in jersey is suffocation, quite simply, and not strictly a cause de pollution.

in 'the unbearable lightness of being' milan kundera writes that 'a person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.'

unhappy.

why? why unhappy?

you would think that with so much free time and so few calendar dates i would be able to create great bodies of writing.

except i haven't.

being a nanny is the best thing ever. i love this job.
i get paid to take a child shopping for build-a-bear, watch her play, feed her, quiet her crying, put braids in her hair, take her to guitar lessons. i love having the ocean down the street.
all of this is wonderul but still i am missing something and it isn't connecticut or anything like that.
new jersey is not a boring place but i am a boring person.
a scaredycat person.
so every night after the girl's mother gets home i stay up here all alone in my room doing nothing.
i've run out of friends to bother on the phone. my eyes are tired of looking at screens. i need to get out.

in this post i will discuss the ditch, two types actually, one, the verb, and two, the noun.

it would be best to begin with my thoughts on ditch (n.): i woke up with a poem in my head. right now it's very rough and if i ever touch it again i might be able to make it better. for now it reads as follows-

'you pushed me in and
stood there laughing.'

also there is something in it about how ditches are deceiving, how they can look oh-so-nice, but in reality it is much more difficult to climb out than it is to fall in. the lover in the poem walks around up top with a beautiful woman with red lipstick who has carried over a giant bucket of tarantulas and will pour them into the ditch where our speaker is trapped and lonely. this poem is not about my life or any recent event in my life. it's just a silly little nothing that supports my weak little philosophy that love is a ditch that people fall into. you fall in love, you fall in other ditches.

whatever.

2. ditch (v.): seems to be that people rather enjoy making plans with me and then canceling on account of mowing lawns for grandmothers, opening bank accounts, and being little black rainclouds. okay so this last excuse is legitimate and i'll allow it, but do not run your errands when you have an engagement, and especially don't do it two days in a row. i am angered and outraged at how little people actually want to keep their dates with me. if i am so unbearable that being in my presence sucks life from your veins, then don't sign in ink on my calendar and i'll find some other order of business. it's not as difficult as it might seem.

these are some nice things i've recently said to my new friend jaimes.
'i live in a crater on the moon.'
'if i ever saw a zombie in real life, i'd flip out.'
'you're fat and ugly.' (he's not.)

there's a lot more but i don't care.